Some will go straight from Ato b
Some will also go through C+d
Some will start at Z to get to B
Some will wander where they will
Knowing they will get there still
But on the way enjoy the thrill
Some will cry and hold their head
Wishing they were somewhere else instead
Tis not fair they do say
Never realising they want it that way
Suicide it’s plain to see
Means different things to you and me
For some it’s such a heinous thing
And for that must be classed as a sin
“Don’t be so selfish” “don’t be so stupid “don’t be so pathetic”
Selfish is not living or dying as one wishes,
It’s expecting others to live or die as you wish.
Death is so feared, don’t think of it, or talk or do it
Death is also a merciful release
It really is just another experience
It does not always mean you have no coping skills
Sometimes it means you have too many and too much to cope with.
For some it is a knee jerk reaction, momentary, fleeting
And not really to be acted on.
For some it is just there, always waiting in the wings.
Brooded upon until it is the only point of focus
For others, it’s the comfort that motivates them to keep going
“Ok if it really is too hard then it’s ok to die.
But just get through today/this hour/this minute first
See if you can find some fun to focus intently on,
See if you can learn a new skill to get you through.
Can you take THIS scab off and heal it?
Maybe today will be the day when someone sees
Maybe today will be the day when someone hears
Maybe today someone will be able to break the barrier
Maybe
And maybe they won’t
So tomorrow you can do it
Just get through today
Thank you ……….. I thank you so
You have done more than you can know
In allowing my inner child to grow
You gave me the space and empathy
That really allowed me to really see ME
You did indeed in me trust
And allow me to do as I must
To fetch down from abstract to concrete the things I know
And allow the words once again to flow
Which has got my memory back
Helping to heal the things I lack
It’s been hard for you as well
Glimpsing in my private hell
And having to refrain
From trying to explain
The other person’s perspective
And hearing from me the invective
“Oh fuck off now and go to hell.
That I know too bleeping well”
For allowing no imitation
And making me speak my limitation
What I needed was a lullaby
So I no longer wanted so to die
You did not tell me not to cry
Instead you told me that I could
Not I only that but that I should
And revisit “the flowers left in the wood”
I thank you Margaret I thank you so
Much more than you could ever know
For being such good and caring company
On this part of my lonely inner journey
It will be so good to no longer hide
The crap that was stored deep inside
You will always have a place in my heart
Even though the time is coming that we will part
The time has gone it’s flown so fast
But I cannot dwell much longer in the past
Now I have had the time to recover
There’s still so much to rediscover
And at last the light can shine
From both of me strong and fine
Let me take you by the hand
let me show you i understand
let me show you it is safe.
I let you take me by the hand
but you only took the outer band
the smaller one buried deep inside
was left behind screaming wide
screaming out so urgently
quiet to you but loud to her
why does no one see her there?
the gap so wide it’s hard to see
the strings that keep her still, there
please don’t let her disappear
she deserves to grow and to flourish
all she needs is a gentle nourish
Cut the strings you may say,
let her go, just float away
but if i do what becomes of me?
that great void will grow and swell
and collapse in its outer shell
for i am she and she is me
there is no one without the other.
Better still to take those strings
fill the gaps, make them sing
let them resonate with the same song
She did no harm, she did no wrong
why can’t you hear her painful song?
she does not want to be the strident voice
she agreed the split, she made the choice
one to grow and forge ahead
the other to hide and play dead
until the pain can be felt and shed
but now it is time she was made complete
so inner and outer can finally meet
sing and dance in harmony
she is the harmonic that drove the tune,
she has no anger or need to blame,
she just wants to hear her name
for she is me and i am she
hear our song for both are sung
both are true and both are one
one pitched high and one pitched low
one so bright and one so dim
there is no shame that you could not hear or see
across such a disparity,
past the extent of your reality
a gap so wide, they seem so separate
one so big one so small
is she really there at all?
but now at last they return together
in full sight and range
the strength one of bolstering the other
that strength, in time, returned to nourish
barriers breaking, the whole can flourish
to draw them back together , complete the circle
remove the shade so the light can shine
from both of me strong and fine
What do you do when you can’t recall
What you really feel at all
What do you do when you can’t say
I really want to cry today
What do you do when the pain runs so deep
That you are too scared to sleep
What do you do when what you need
Is what makes you run and hide
Keeping the hurt buried deep inside
What do you do when what gives you hope
Is permission to die when you can’t cope
What do you do when that escape is gone
But the healing isn’t yet done
The old mechanisms no longer work
But the new ones are not yet in place
To keep you out that awful space
Unable to laugh unable to cry
Unable to live unable to die
Unable to talk you never learned that lesson
All they want is to treat the depression
What do you do when what you need
Is to cry and someone to hold
But what you get is to be told
Please don’t cry and get upset
Just get on and try to forget
I don’t need to hear that refrain
I just need to feel the pain
Don’t try and make me understand
Or get angry in my place
For that is a useless space
I have no anger or need to blame
I just need to release my pain
Allow myself to grow
Remember all that I know
What you do is go off alone
Thankful that you have the ability
To heal and change your reality
The strength it took to survive
Also allowed you to thrive
Taught you the greatest lesson
The meaning of love is compassion
What to do when your memory is gone
And you feel the age of one
Or two or three or four
And adult life comes knocking at your door
What to do when you can’t explain
Because that sets off a chain
Of feelings and emotions that leave you dumb
Blocking, hiding, numbing the only way to overcome
Going in, feeling, recognising
The only way of exorcising
The pain and hurt and terror
Buried inside seemingly forever
What to do when it overwhelms
When it hits so fast and deep
You cannot brake before you break
And pray to die before you wake
What to do when your benchmarks are gone
When everything is such a jumble
All you do is fumble
Fighting for your sanity
What’s it like inside of me?
The inner bit that’s rarely seen
Sometimes I give out just a smidgeon
See how the reaction is
Do you have the ability?
Can you cope?
Is it safe?
Is NOW the time?
Do I have the skills yet?
Do I have a safety net?
Each time I tried to reach out
Next time will be harder there’s no doubt
And then along comes someone who sees a bit
And tries to fix that little bit
Then gets annoyed and gives up
They hear one note and think they know the song
And lash out when they are wrong
The silent screaming is at the wrong pitch for them
What’s it like inside of me?
Deep inside where it’s hard to see
Surrounded and hidden by a light so bright
Hiding away the pain, fear, hurt and shame
Described as tight as a clam but that’s not quite right
More like an iceberg. Mrs 90% that’s my name
Why
Why can I not let people in?
Why can I know what the problem is, and how to fix it but not carry it through?
Why do my emotions override my mind when I want to do something?
Why does my mind override my emotions when the emotions want release?
Why?
Why can I not allow someone to comfort me when that is all I want most in the world?
Someone to hug me while I cry
To help me release it all
Help me move on
Learn and grow
Do the thing I should have done while I was so very young
Feel the things I should feel
The good bad and indifferent
But it’s all good
So long as you feel
And express
Who am i?
What am i?
I know who I am but sometimes I forget
Forgetting the bad makes me forget the good
Maybe I need to try remembering the good more
But it scares me
Because the bad scares me most
Why
Why
What is it
What is it about me
